Darkness

I've been to some really dark places inside myself over the last couple of weeks. I've been to the kind of soul-sucking and heart-destroying places where I never imagined I'd go. When you combine fear and paranoia with pain and despair and let them all dwell inside you together, it can shatter your will. No matter your resolve, no matter your principles. All gone in an instant when the darkness grips you and won't let go. It creeps up on you unnoticed and wraps itself around your insides as it begins to consume you. It laughs at your attempts at a normal life, friends, food, fun. It stops you in your tracks the minute you try to deny it's there and slams you to the floor, saying, "Hold on there! Did you forget? I'm still here and I'm not letting go. Did you actually think you were entitled to some fun? Oh no you don't! You're miserable, you're in pain, you're bereft and don't you go trying to forget. I'm here to keep you wallowing in despair until you become one with it, the darkness, the hollowness, the pain. I'll take you to a new place, somewhere you'd never go on your own. You might not like this new place after you've been there - you may feel regret and self-loathing, but don't think on that now! Focus instead on the pain you feel, the fear you feel, the paranoia and the deep despair... Do you feel it? Do you feel it?... Ah, good... now, come with me..."

But you know that it's wrong, you know that it's against all your principles, you know that you'll be hurting yourself if you go along with it, so you shove the darkness away, you reject it outright, and you go to the therapy, you take the yoga, you seek out your friends, and just when you think you've got it all under control, start believing that it's ok, that you've won... you relax and you let down your guard for just a second, because you're so tired of it all, and that's the instant that you hear it, the soft knocking at the door, and because you're weak, you open the door in spite of yourself, and there on the doorstep you see the darkness, with its twisted little grin, smirking at you and saying, "Hey there, remember me?"